The Biggest Communication Problem!

The biggest communication problem 

is we do not listen to understand.

We listen to reply.

Embrace Your Inner Goddess! Find out More

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You Don't Have To Know It All!

There are many times in life where we want to know it all, to have it all figured out ... before we take the next step ... to move forward!

Find out the Science behind Dating Techniques

Find out the Science behind Dating Techniques, Click Below to watch

Hmmm ... ever wondered whether Dating Techniques work, or are they overrated ... AND how does the average, everyday guy rate.

An eye opener of a video as it shows the reactions of both the guys and the girls afterwards.

It is also a bit of fun!

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Increase Your Happiness!

 

Click Below to Watch!

On the 25th December many of us connect with family, friends, and the people who mean the most to us!

The Science of Happiness show how powerful increasing your happiness can be, and the ripple effects ... for those who expressed their gratitude they were able to increase their happiness by up to 19%.

Who wants some of this?

Click below to watch this incredible video!

The Science of Happiness

Creating a Christmas of Love

Christmas is a time of joy, love, fun and connection with family and friends. Yet for many people Christmas is highly stressful and emotional.

There are many reasons why people don’t look forward to Christmas and in some cases dread it, but the main one seems to be stress and anxiety. So much to do, so little time and energy.

Christmas does not need to be overwhelming or a burden; a chore to be crossed off your list. In fact it can be a time where you truly connect not only with others but also with yourself and in the process rediscover what Christmas truly means to you.

Follow these 7 simple steps to a calm and happy Christmas and avoid being on Santa’s naughty list (again) this year.

1.Take time to work out what you value about Christmas and how you want to feel.

Before any preparations are made, lay the foundation by sitting quietly and contemplating what key values and emotions you want to experience throughout the Christmas season. Have a pad and pen handy to record a few your thoughts. For example, you may value laughter, ease and time to connect and want to feel light, relaxed and excited. Write these down and keep them handy as all your preparations and actions will be based on these.

 2.Brain Dump everything out of your head and onto paper. 

Let’s face it, there are quite a lot of things to do at this time of year so getting them clear is important. Leaving ideas and thoughts whirling around in your head only serves to overwhelm and drain you.Write everything you need and want to do onto paper and keep going until your head feels clear. When you do this you feel more in control and less chaotic.

3. Be realistic about what you can do. 

We all want Christmas to be ‘perfect’ and truly memorable, especially if we have children. However, the striving for perfection is one of the main reasons people feel overwhelmed and burned out by the time the celebrations come. So be realistic about what can be done. Some things to consider here are the time you have available, your budget and your own expectations. Look at your list (from point number 2) using these considerations and cross off anything you know is really out of the ball park or unrealistic. Also, look back at your values and feelings list…do the things you have chosen to keep support these or take away from them.  If they support then keep them, if not then cross them off.

4. Prioritise your list. 

Now that you have looked at what is realistic for you on your list it is time to put the items into priority order. One of the best ways I have found to do this is to use a simple method by Stephen Covey call the Quadrant. I adapted the system somewhat to suit my mindset and style. Here is a picture of it as an example.  Of course adapt it to suit your own needs.

Look at each item remaining on your list and start writing them into the appropriate sections. Now focus on the top two sections only, particularly the Important and Needs to be done daily or regularly section. Quadrant one shows you the things that need to be done as priority which is helpful but quadrant two shows you the things which refuel you and keep your energy sustained helping you to grow and move forward.This is essential. As to the other two boxes reduce, delegate or eliminate them altogether. 

5. Schedule your priorities. 

Take the items from quadrants one and two and put them in your diary, smart phone or calendar. Actually putting pen to paper and carving out time will lead to far greater success in achieving them. This is the action part where you are deliberating making time and space to get these things done. This is a vital part of the process and will allow you to move forward with sustained energy and control rather than procrastinating and panicking in a ball of overwhelm. An important note here: schedule in daily (yes, I said daily) self care to keep your mental, physical and spiritual well being flowing. 

6. Your self care is crucial. 

At this time of year things begin to ramp up considerably. As such, it only makes sense that your self care does also. Think of it like an insurance policy of sorts. Daily self care, even for 10 minutes will help to keep you balanced, focused and feeling good amidst the busyness. Some examples of self care are meditation, savouring a cup of your favourite hot beverage, yoga, gardening, curling up with a book and exercise. Do not skip this step thinking you don’t have time. (Besides, you wrote it down in step 5 as a priority didn’t you?).

 7. Allow yourself to ‘Be Present’. 

The pun about ‘present’ is definitely intended. It seems that Christmas is more and more about the presents we buy and receive or the ultra fancy holidays we go on. Don’t get me wrong I love presents and holidays but what I truly value is the love and connection with others. When I look at past Christmases, I don’t think about the gifts I got but rather the laughter, closeness and activities I shared with those I care about. The greatest gift you can give to yourself and to those you love is Your Presence. To really be with those you love, listening, sharing joy and being together.

By following these simple steps you will be in a much better mindset and energy to create a Christmas that you and your family and friends will love and remember. 

Please feel free to share this post with a friend to help them in the run up to Christmas and as always leave a comment on the blog so I can connect with you.

Source: Creating Christmas Will Love

5 Ways to Stay Connected In Our Digitally-Connected Age

• 
  We are connected to more people in more ways than ever before. But is the quality of our relationships better off? Here are five practical ways for how can we stay relationally connected in our hyper-connected, digitally-distracted age?
  The holidays have arrived .. and in an effort to disconnect from work and the pressures, many people will transferring their 'connectedness' over to social media to stay "connected".
  The sheer explosion of the digital revolution has made author Thomas Friedman Nostradamus-like when he predicted the world would become increasingly “flat."
  Not only has our world become “flat,” it has become “hyper-connected.” We cannot go anywhere without our digital devices, be it our smart phones, our computers, or other digital devices. In fact, it seems we are increasingly in a constant state of readiness to connect, do face-time, email, text or play one of a million addictive digital games. However, while the quantity_,_speed and reach of our ability to connect in the community continue to increase at a dizzying pace, the "quality" of our connection with each other is diminishing.
  It can feel at times that our technology is managing us and not the other way around.” At the risk of sounding like a Luddite, in light of this growing evidence, perhaps we need to take a deeper look at the full impact of our always-connected state.
  How can we stay relationally connected in our hyper-connected, digitally-distracted age? Here are five practical ways we can do this.

• 1. Do an eye contact check

• The next time you are talking with your friend, spouse, or co-worker, be self-aware enough to determine if you are looking directly into their eyes, or looking down at your smart phone while quasi-listening? Maintain eye contact and watch your conversations improve.

• 2. Set it down, walk away

• Physically set your smart phone, computer, iPad or other said digital device down, put it away, and literally walk away from it at least 3 times a day.

• 3. Choose a time to unplug

• Set an alarm at a pre-determined time every day that signals an exact time when you unplug and detach from the digital world. This means you are no longer available through your digital devices for the rest of that day or night.

• 4. Ask for accountability

• Invite your spouse, friend or roommate to keep you accountable in setting a pre-determined time to unplug and detach from your digital world.

• 5. Start with Facebook

• Facebook has over 800 million active users. This means one in every nine people on Earth is on Facebook. Facebook users spend an average of 15 hours and 33 minutes a month on the site. If you reduce your time on Facebook by 10 percent this month, you have just created 1.5 more hours to invest into your face-to-face friendships.
  Instead of allowing your digital world to control you, take control of your relationships by fully engaging yourself in undistracted, non-digital connecting time with your family and friends. When it comes to your relationships, perhaps it is time to tune in and log off, at the very least, put some rules in place for yourself and your loved one!
  Source: 5 Ways to stay connected in our digitally distracted age

The 5 Best Christmas Gifts You Can Give This Year!

Christmas is about the gift of 'Presence' ... really being in the moment with those you love. Tina ...

At this time of year it can get frantic.  People milling around in search of the perfect gifts to wrap and give, buying and hanging more decorations and more food for the festive feasting.  It can be exhausting and drain not just your energy but your purse strings as well.  There are a growing number of people that find this time of year very demanding and stressful and with consumerism reaching a fever pitch, they feel like skipping the whole shebang.  It needn’t be like this and in my opinion, shouldn’t be like this.  Christmas at it’s heart is about connection, laughter and love and it is that spirit that I wrote my list of The 5 Best Gifts You Can Give This Year.

1.  Your Presence (not just your presents).  To be truly available to those you love and care about is so precious.  Focusing on listening, sharing and connecting is a gift that will keeping giving long after the decorations are put away.  For some, it is the only time of the year that they get to catch up with certain people. Though it is a brief opportunity in terms of quantity or time, it is perfect in terms of quality by genuinely allowing yourself to be interested and available.

2. Forgiveness. This gift is solely for you; a gift of self love.  Contrary to the opinion of some, forgiving others is not really about the other person but is in essence all about you.  When you forgive someone, you are laying down the burden of anger, bitterness and resentment choosing instead to allow your natural joy and peace to return to you.  This does not mean that you condone their actions or what they ‘did’ but rather that you will no longer let these actions control your feelings or behaviour.  In this way, you have the choice to interact (or not) with this person on your own terms rather than being controlled by negative emotions.

Forgiveness allows you to focus on the present and future without battling the past. Tina Bandana

3. Kindness.  This gift is much easier to give once you apply presence and forgiveness but can be done at any time not just Christmas.  The key to being kind is two fold.  Firstly, by being kind to ourselves, not judging ourselves too harshly or speaking unkindly in our self talk we are able to create a well spring of kindness.  We can then draw upon this well to share with others.  If there is nothing to draw from within ourselves we either find it incredibly hard to be kind to others or we do so from a place of obligation and resentment.  The second key to kindness is to realise that when we are kind to others we feel good and get back positive energy.  It is a practice that becomes a habit that adds to our life and is kept in balance by the awareness of being kind to ourselves first and foremost.

A candle loses none of it's light by lighting another. Unknown

4. Gratitude.  Acknowledging how very blessed we are makes a huge difference to our lives.  When we become aware of the many things to be grateful for our heart expands and we feel happiness, peace and joy (and isn’t that what life and Christmas are about?). Not only that, but by counting our blessings daily we become attuned to seeing and experiencing more to be grateful for. Gratitude opens the floodgates to abundance.  Being healthy, surrounded by your loved ones, laughing ….these are just the beginning of our gratitude list.

Feeling Gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it. William

5. Love.  Love makes the world go around and we all long to experience love and to give it.  While presents are wonderful it is the love of another that makes the difference.  Whether that be our parents, beloved, siblings, children or friends taking the time to be with them, sharing experiences and connections is what it is about.  Loving ourselves a little more each day creates the space and expression to love others and on a greater scale enables us to love the wider human community.

I love you not only for what you are but for what I am when I am with you. Roy Croft

I wish you a Christmas surrounded by love, laughter and deep connection.  May the gifts you give and receive light the sparks of gratitude and joy.

Blessings,

Tina

Source: 5 Best Christmas Gifts to Give This Year

How Does It Feel To Be Loved By Someone

Love is such a beautiful feeling that almost anyone of us human beings need in order to live a happier life, and help us realize ourselves in all the other important issues that life is made of. 

We need love to have a better career and work in an unstressed way, and a family that cares for us when we are in difficult times and in need of support. Being in love or feeling loved by someone is almost critical in our life, and so we search for love as just to make us feel better and conduct our lives in a healthier manner. In order for us to freely love someone else it is also important to understand that first we need to love ourselves in the best way possible and have a high esteem for our own soul. We need to love our personality and our own body and everything, or at least try to love almost everything about ourselves.

We might feel insecure about being loved by others in a way or another, surely for our weaknesses, but we need to be stronger in order to face and defeat our low points. The kind of love that we are aspiring to receive from another person also highly depends on our capabilities of being in love with ourselves, and with this we will more likely be appreciated and reciprocally loved in the same manner. Embracing love and all of it’s characteristics makes you achieve rewarding moments, when for example you feel that everything is falling apart around you, and then having someone that loves you just makes you feel emotionally better, and you feel certain that the person you have beside will embrace you with comfort. Life is made out of good and bad moments and love simply helps you out and supports you in the bad ones.

When we are receiving love from another person, our own personality changes, and  in the same time gives  us the ability to tackle life in a different and less pessimistic way. Difficult tasks may all of the sudden become easier to deal with, since love affects us in a positive way whatever kind of  things we are doing. Affection, tenderness and compassion are all love qualities that we are always searching for, and when in a relationship, we try to share the love we feel for our partner, and value her for the happiness that she gives us, making an effort to receive the same value of love from them. Real and true love makes a couple acquire stability in a relationship, making it stronger and unbreakable to any kind of temptation from other people trying to interfere in the love story.

So as a final thought let’s just try to understand that love is like a key that is given to us to use properly in order to receive a happier and decent life, and conduct a better living with other human beings.

Source: http://seducelove.com/how-does-it-feel-to-be-loved-by-someone/

Size Does Matter

Use your best asset to get (and give) the best sex ever!

When students ask me how to get or give better sex, I ask them, “How big is it?

We may joke about whether or not “size matters,” but beneath the joking is often a deep longing for a fuller, more satisfying experience of romance, sexuality, and intimacy.

I pause for a few seconds after my students’ question until I see a bright, red blush, and then I clarify my question: “How big is your heart?”

Then, I ask them to tell me how they use their hearts before they ever consider using anything else. Few, if any, recall connecting at the heart level as part of their foreplay. I point out that they may well be forgetting to use their best asset to give and get the most satisfying sex.

When I recommend that partners connect by taking the time to ask each other what they really, specifically want and enjoy during sex, some get downright adamant around their belief that this conversation  “just wouldn’t work!”

When I dig a little deeper, I often find one or more of the following assumptions in their thinking:

>> He/she should know what I like.
>> Talking about sex before or during intimacy breaks the mood.
>> I just can’t bring myself to say out loud what I want.
>> I feel stupid/inadequate/inept when she/he tells me how to pleasure her/him.
>> I don’t like being told how to be or perform in bed.
>> It should just happen naturally.

Some truths that I hear in the subtext of these comments are a fear of embarrassment, a deep desire for acceptance from one’s partner, along with a fear of vulnerability, even though they deeply long for it. When partners face these fears head-on and accept themselves and each other with compassion, they often can break through the obstacles that the assumptions create.

I continue to encourage them to have real conversations about their real and deep longings around sexual intimacy. If it is too intense to talk with each other at first, then I suggest they talk with a trusted friend, life coach, or counselor in a  “practice conversation”. This can help address some of those fears apart from “the real” conversation which in turn can help reduce any anxiety they might have.

It can take some time to establish a level of trust in an intimate relationship that offers enough safety for this conversation to happen. However, when both partners are ready, not only can it help create sex that rocks their worlds, it can take the relationship to life-changing depths and even become a truly spiritual experience.

How does this heart connection thing actually work? It’s pretty simple.

Here is the process:

>> Make a nonjudgmental observation about your experience of the relationship (sexually speaking) or ask an opening question.
>> Listen with an open heart and mind to your partner’s response, paying attention to what they are telling you about their longings and their feelings.
>> Reflect back what you hear them saying to be sure you are understanding all the nuances of their longings and feelings and to create deeper connection in the moment.
>> Keep listening and reflecting until you know you have really heard her/him.
>> When your partner has fully expressed her or his longings and feelings, offer your own and ask him or her to reflect back what they hear you saying until you know you have been heard.
>> With this new understanding of one another, explore what specific actions you could take outside and inside the bedroom to bring one another more pleasure and create deeper connection.
>> Then do it!

Here’s an example of a possible conversation.

Mike:  “Jen, I’m really enjoying what we have going and I’m wanting to explore some ways to deepen our relationship. I’m wondering if we could talk about our sexual intimacy and how we could connect more deeply around that? I’d really like to hear how our sexual connection is for you and how I might help make it more meaningful and pleasurable for you.”

Jen: “Yeah, well, I really like the closeness I feel with you, Mike, especially when we have time to tune into each other for a while before we go to bed. I feel so safe and open when I know how you are doing and when you listen to me in that way you do when you really understand what’s going on in me.”

Mike: So, you feel the most intimate when we have created some closeness before we make love? And being heard really helps you have a sense of safety and openness. Is that right?”

Jen: “Yes, and then when we are making love, it drives me wild when you whisper my name!”

And so on.

As you continue to increase your heart’s capacity and ability to connect with your partner, you can try some or all of the following strategies.

>> Start talking at the dining room table.
>> Be mindful of your responses and reactions during conversations about intimacy.
>> Practice empathy toward yourself and your partner.
>> Practice honesty
>> Reframe “failures” as learnings.

Celebrate when you show up the way you enjoy and the intimacy is delicious. 

And remember: the goal is to grow bigger hearts, deepen your connection, and enjoy the ride.

Source: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/01/size-really-does-matter/

Author: Doyle Banks provides clients with useable skills that help them get more positive results in their interpersonal relationships.

Laws of Attraction: How Do We Select a Life Partner?

What we know, and don’t know, about the process of mate selection is a mystery ...
Most of us seek a

partner, for life or at least for a while. 
But how do we choose? 

After all, we meet hundreds, even thousands, of people in the course of our daily lives. What makes two people pick one another from among the myriad available candidates? Psychological science has long been trying to answer this question, and with considerable success.

Two main theories have guided scientific thinking on the subject. First is evolutionary theory, which claims that behavioral tendencies, physical characteristics, and personality features that promote our chances to survive and reproduce become, by that virtue, desirable to us. In addition, biological and anatomical differences between organisms will dictate different optimal solutions to the same problem. For example, if two animals, one with nimble feet and the other with strong wings, encounter a hungry predator, how will they deal with the survival threat? Most likely, the first animal will run away and the second will fly off.

Likewise, the evolutionary approach predicts that the biological and anatomical differences between men and women will result in different preferences for partner selection. For example, human biology dictates that women need help and protection during pregnancy, and that their fertility is time-limited. Therefore, it makes sense that men who can provide protection will be deemed attractive to women, and that young—and hence fertile—women will be attractive to men. Indeed, studies show that when it comes to long-term relationships, women overall emphasize the importance of status parameters while men find female youth highly attractive.

On the other hand, 'social role theory,’ developed by the American psychologist Alice Eagly, argues that social—rather than biological—processes dictate our social choices. According to this argument, the mate selection rules are dictated by the roles that women and men occupy in society. Thus, people's preferences in the search for a mate are expected to shift as social roles and norms shift. For example, women are attracted to men with power and money because society limits their own ability to gain power and money. If, tomorrow, most positions of power and money go to women, then a man’s status and wealth will matter much less to women, while male beauty, youth, and stamina may come to matter more.
 
Indeed, studies over the past fifty years show some fundamental changes in mate preferences among both men and women. For example, since maintaining a comfortable life on one salary has become difficult in the west, and since most women work and earn income, both men and women currently put more emphasis than before on the partner’s economic and social status when choosing a life partner. Matters of housework, such as cooking and cleaning capabilities, on the other hands, are no longer considered important criteria for selecting a partner in both sexes. These changes indicate that the culture has an impact on the qualities we deem attractive.
Motivations be what they may, studies from the 1940s to the present point to the existence of several well-supported 'laws of attraction' that govern the general process of choosing a long-term mate:

Exposure and Familiarity

In general, we grow to like those around us and those with whom we have frequent contact. The more time we spend with someone, the greater the chances that we'll like, accept, and fall in love with him or her. Now granted, we all know someone with whom increased interaction causes increased frustration and resentment, but that is the exception that proves the rule. Simple exposure is one reason why many a romance blooms at work or at the university. Daily contact over time turns strangers into friends, and more.

Physical Attraction

Physical beauty is an important life advantage, and it is of fundamental significance in the mating game. Bottom line: you do not want to spend your life with someone you find physically repellent. Physical attraction, it turns out, obeys the laws of the market: the best goods cost more, and so buyers do not get what they want but what they can afford. Ultimately, the rich drive the Mercedes, the middle class drives the Toyota and the poor ride the bus. Similarly with physical attractiveness, beautiful people end up with others who are very beautiful, average looking with average looking, etc.

Personality and Character

Research on the personality factors that attract us to others (and others to us) has identified two personality factors that are considered across the board desirable: competence and warmth. Competent people, that is to say intelligent and socially skilled, are considered more attractive. Kind people with a warm personality are also more attractive. Warm and wise is a winning pair in the mate selection tournament.

Proximity

Most of us will marry someone who lives within walking or driving distance. We are unlikely to persist in a relationship or get married to someone who’s a transatlantic flight away. The great poet Yehuda Amichai wrote, "Advice for good love: Don't love those from far away. Take for yourself one from nearby. The way a sensible house will take local stones for its building,” and the poet was right. Most of us choose from the nearby selection. Long-distance relationships are more difficult to nurture, and they survive much less often.

Similarity

This is without a doubt the most powerful finding in this area. We are drawn to people who are like us. Christians will appeal to other Christians. Educated people are drawn to other educated people, leftists love leftists, extroverts love extroverts, etc. On almost every parameter of background, personality, values, and experience, we prefer someone who has a lot in common with us over someone who is totally different from us, and also over someone who ‘completes’ or compliments us. The ocean wants the ocean, not the beach, and not the boat. One reason for this preference is that it’s easier for us to communicate, understand, know, and trust someone who speaks our language, gets our culture, shares our values, or believes in our God. The second reason is that loving someone similar to us amounts, psychologically, to killing two birds with one stone: He’s wonderful, and he’s just like me; therefore, I'm wonderful! And who does not want to feel wonderful?

Several years ago, in an attempt to refine our understanding of the forces that shape mate selection, American researchers Todd Shackelford, David Schmitt, and David Buss analyzed the responses of more than 9,000 women and men from 37 countries to a questionnaire about their preferences regarding potential life partners. The researchers used a technique called 'principal components analysis.' This technique seeks to reduce a wide universe of data into a small number of basic underlying factors. For example, millions of cars travel on the roads all the time, going here and there. But all this commotion can be reduced to two basic components: direction and speed. These are the only factors controlled by the driver, and all the driving being done can be explained by some combination of these two factors alone.

The researchers identified four universal components underlying the process of mate selection. Each of these four components amounts to an internal negotiation we perform when choosing a romantic partner. Here are the four components, in order of importance.

Love vs. Status/Resources

When choosing a partner, we frequently engage in internal negotiations whereby the value of romantic love is pitted against the value of social status and economic security. If the love is strong, we may sacrifice security or economic status. If the potential partner’s status is high, we may compromise regarding the intensity of our romantic feelings.

Dependable/Stable vs. Good Looks/Health

When choosing a partner, we tend to compromise regarding emotional stability if the potential partner is very attractive physically. Alternatively, we may agree to accept a less attractive partner if they are exceptionally stable and emotionally sound.

Education/Intelligence vs. Desire for Home/Children

We tend to forgive a partner who’s pursuing higher education and a career if they are not interested in having many children. Conversely, we may forgive the limited educational and career achievements of someone who really wants to have children and raise a large family.

Sociability vs. Similar Religion

Someone of the same religion as us will be seen as an attractive choice even if he or she does not possess a particularly sociable character. A potential partner who’s very sociable by nature will attract us even if they don’t share our religious background.

These four factors operate, independently, in both men and women; but for the first three, significant differences were found between the sexes. In general, women place more importance on socio-economic status than romantic love. Women also prefer emotional stability to attractive appearance, and they prefer intelligence to the desire to have children. Status, emotional stability, and intelligence are less important features for men when they seek a long-term partner. Men emphasize the value of external beauty, youth and physical health, and a desire for children.

In addition, studies indicate that women are more selective and demanding than men when choosing a life partner. One reason is that women have more to lose in making a bad choice. The poet Margaret Atwood once said: "Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them." Women are more vulnerable, and so they need to be more cautious. Another reason for female selectivity is that bringing an offspring into the world is a much more demanding and dangerous matter for a woman than it is for a man. The one who is going to invest more and take a greater risk necessarily examines the investment more carefully.

In conclusion, we understand quite well the basic calculations people use to identify a group of potential candidates from which to pick a mate. In contrast, there is no scientific answer yet to the 'final selection' question: how do we choose just one from a group of suitable candidates?

The laws of selecting candidates, it turns out, do not apply to the final selection phase. For example, as mentioned earlier, the most powerful law of attraction at the ‘candidate selection’ stage is that we are drawn to people who resemble us. If the same law was to hold in the ‘final selection’ stage, we could predict that from a group of rather similar candidates, the one most similar to us will be picked. We may also assume that the choices of people who are very similar will be similar as well. But research findings refute these assumptions. It turns out that we do not choose the one most like us from the candidate group. In addition, researchers David Lykken and Auke Tellegen have shown in the nineties that the wives of identical twins are not at all alike. Twins do not tend to covet their co-twins’ wives. The wives, for their part, are not particularly attracted to their husbands’ twin brothers. These results imply that biology and society direct us to the right store, one that has items to fit our budget, taste, and needs. Biology and society, however, cannot determine which item we buy. That, we decide on our own.

The winner—the final selection among all the worthy candidates—is decided by a subjective internal process that is obscure and whimsical and does not necessarily obey the dictates of rationality, evolutionary mandates, cultural pressures, or even our own conscious will, plans or intentions. At the end of the day, as the philosopher Blaise Pascal said, the heart has reasons that reason doesn’t understand.

Source http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight-therapy/201412/laws-attraction-how-do-we-select-life-partner?tr=MostViewed

The (Relationship) Killer That We Often Ignore

Today’s topic is going to be a touchy one, one that most people like to argue over.

But it definitely tops our list as a major relationship killer.

There’s no shame admitting it, we’ve all been there, and we’ve all done that.

Neediness is an epidemic

 
It robs us of our peace and is fueled by our insecurities.

It makes us feel as though we have no control over our lives, and we’re constantly at the mercy of others. If you’re struggling with neediness don’t feel bad. You’re not alone….

The Truth About Neediness

Neediness is not restricted to a particular set of actions, neediness is a mindset.

It stems from fear; fear that you’re not good enough so you constantly look for outside things to validate your worthiness.

Unfortunately neediness creates a void within you that cannot be filled by outside validation, so you enter every relationship hoping to take anything and everything you can from the relationship to make yourself feel better.

Before long, unable to meet your demands your partner withdraws and the relationship suffocates, withers and dies, leaving you to believe the fears you had from the start were true, and the vicious cycle continues. 

Insecurities and fears are a natural part of being human.

However when you allow these fears to control you, it escalates in to a much bigger problem. We look at the world through coloured lenses and the world we see is a reflection of our beliefs, and what we believe to be true is true for us (We cover this extensively inside the Passion Program).

So we constantly behave in ways that attract people and situations that reinforce our beliefs. For e.g. someone operating under the assumption that they are not lovable will have a much tougher time being in an emotionally healthy relationship as oppose to someone who believes they are worthy of being loved.

What constitutes as being needy?

A lot of people attribute neediness to some extreme behavior like stalking, or clinging.

What most people are not aware of is that neediness can take on much subtle forms.

Remember neediness is a mindset, and when you’re in that mindset, you operate primarily out of fear–Fear of loss.

When you’re in the scarcity mindset, you see no opportunities, you only see limitations.

Neediness is when you need something/someone to be or act a certain way, because of how emotionally attached you are to an outcome you think is best for you.

What is Wrong With This Mindset?

When you fight against the what is, you’re essentially telling the universe that you have no faith that things will work out for you. You’re betting against yourself, and you’ve already started off with a negative assumption. Now you’re constantly on edge looking for clues that your relationship is not in trouble.

What does this actually look like?

• You’re on your best behavior to make sure that person doesn’t leave you.
• You do things for them in hopes of getting them to love you back.
• You’re overly accommodating of their bad behavior to avoid rocking the boat (Oh! He’s just stressed…He’s busy...)
• Or when your partner acts a little distant, you assume the worst and fall in to depths of despair.

You do everything in your power to make that person love you, because you know if he just gave you a chance you would have the most perfect relationship or you cling on to her because you think you will never find someone better…..

Any of these sound familiar?

How Do You Combat Neediness?

By realizing that you don’t need perfect circumstances in life to feel good about yourself…

Although it may be wonderful if things worked out between you and your partner, it wouldn’t be the end of the world if they left.

Fear is purely psychological, it’s not real. 

It just makes you think it’s real by showing you what you want to see, or rather what you don’t want to see.

No one has the power to make you feel powerless, only you hold that power.

To quell your inner demons, you need to take the reins and be firm in the direction you want to go.

Ultimately your focus should be on becoming a better person for yourself. People will come in to your life one day and they will leave the next. You have no control over it, life is unpredictable like that, but the only person that’s going to be a constant in your life is you.

When we make ourselves someone we can be happy with, it becomes easier for someone else to be happy with us. This is not to say you have to suppress negative emotions and fake a smile to keep someone happy, FYI that’s still neediness.

If you put in the right kind of effort, you will inevitably move on to form healthy, strong relationships in the future with someone who is capable of giving you what you want.

Either way you get to decide if it is the right relationship for you because you’re no longer stuck in the same place out of fear.

Having absolute faith that things will work out as it should, goes a long way.

If not, you will drive yourself crazy constantly worrying about all the ‘what ifs’.

None of us have the luxury of knowing what the future holds, but by learning to be okay with uncertainty we create healthy emotional boundaries so we can be okay with any outcome.

I firmly believe everything happens for a reason and it happens for the best. After struggling with neediness most of my adult life, I have to come to see that, worrying creates nothing but misery. It often times goes as far as to create what it is that I don’t want to happen.

Life is not perfect and it will never be. I’m not perfect and you’re not perfect…and we will never be perfect… and that is okay.

Before finding someone else to love and accept you, learn to give yourself what you need. It is only then that you will be able to receive love from another person without making demands on them to be or act a certain way. If not you’re always going to be looking for something that’s never going to make you whole.

Source: http://lovingboldly.com/blog/the-relationship-killer-that-silently-lurks-in-your-life/#more-3711