Today’s topic is going to be a touchy one, one that most people like to argue over.
But it definitely tops our list as a major relationship killer.
There’s no shame admitting it, we’ve all been there, and we’ve all done that.
Neediness is an epidemic
It robs us of our peace and is fueled by our insecurities.
It makes us feel as though we have no control over our lives, and we’re constantly at the mercy of others. If you’re struggling with neediness don’t feel bad. You’re not alone….
The Truth About Neediness
Neediness is not restricted to a particular set of actions, neediness is a mindset.
It stems from fear; fear that you’re not good enough so you constantly look for outside things to validate your worthiness.
Unfortunately neediness creates a void within you that cannot be filled by outside validation, so you enter every relationship hoping to take anything and everything you can from the relationship to make yourself feel better.
Before long, unable to meet your demands your partner withdraws and the relationship suffocates, withers and dies, leaving you to believe the fears you had from the start were true, and the vicious cycle continues.
Insecurities and fears are a natural part of being human.
However when you allow these fears to control you, it escalates in to a much bigger problem. We look at the world through coloured lenses and the world we see is a reflection of our beliefs, and what we believe to be true is true for us (We cover this extensively inside the Passion Program).
So we constantly behave in ways that attract people and situations that reinforce our beliefs. For e.g. someone operating under the assumption that they are not lovable will have a much tougher time being in an emotionally healthy relationship as oppose to someone who believes they are worthy of being loved.
What constitutes as being needy?
A lot of people attribute neediness to some extreme behavior like stalking, or clinging.
What most people are not aware of is that neediness can take on much subtle forms.
Remember neediness is a mindset, and when you’re in that mindset, you operate primarily out of fear–Fear of loss.
When you’re in the scarcity mindset, you see no opportunities, you only see limitations.
Neediness is when you need something/someone to be or act a certain way, because of how emotionally attached you are to an outcome you think is best for you.
What is Wrong With This Mindset?
When you fight against the what is, you’re essentially telling the universe that you have no faith that things will work out for you. You’re betting against yourself, and you’ve already started off with a negative assumption. Now you’re constantly on edge looking for clues that your relationship is not in trouble.
What does this actually look like?
- You’re on your best behavior to make sure that person doesn’t leave you.
- You do things for them in hopes of getting them to love you back.
- You’re overly accommodating of their bad behavior to avoid rocking the boat (Oh! He’s just stressed…He’s busy...)
- Or when your partner acts a little distant, you assume the worst and fall in to depths of despair.
You do everything in your power to make that person love you, because you know if he just gave you a chance you would have the most perfect relationship or you cling on to her because you think you will never find someone better…..
Any of these sound familiar?
How Do You Combat Neediness?
By realizing that you don’t need perfect circumstances in life to feel good about yourself…
Although it may be wonderful if things worked out between you and your partner, it wouldn’t be the end of the world if they left.
Fear is purely psychological, it’s not real.
It just makes you think it’s real by showing you what you want to see, or rather what you don’t want to see.
No one has the power to make you feel powerless, only you hold that power.
To quell your inner demons, you need to take the reins and be firm in the direction you want to go.
Ultimately your focus should be on becoming a better person for yourself. People will come in to your life one day and they will leave the next. You have no control over it, life is unpredictable like that, but the only person that’s going to be a constant in your life is you.
When we make ourselves someone we can be happy with, it becomes easier for someone else to be happy with us. This is not to say you have to suppress negative emotions and fake a smile to keep someone happy, FYI that’s still neediness.
If you put in the right kind of effort, you will inevitably move on to form healthy, strong relationships in the future with someone who is capable of giving you what you want.
Either way you get to decide if it is the right relationship for you because you’re no longer stuck in the same place out of fear.
Having absolute faith that things will work out as it should, goes a long way.
If not, you will drive yourself crazy constantly worrying about all the ‘what ifs’.
None of us have the luxury of knowing what the future holds, but by learning to be okay with uncertainty we create healthy emotional boundaries so we can be okay with any outcome.
I firmly believe everything happens for a reason and it happens for the best. After struggling with neediness most of my adult life, I have to come to see that, worrying creates nothing but misery. It often times goes as far as to create what it is that I don’t want to happen.
Life is not perfect and it will never be. I’m not perfect and you’re not perfect…and we will never be perfect… and that is okay.
Before finding someone else to love and accept you, learn to give yourself what you need. It is only then that you will be able to receive love from another person without making demands on them to be or act a certain way. If not you’re always going to be looking for something that’s never going to make you whole.
Source: http://lovingboldly.com/blog/the-relationship-killer-that-silently-lurks-in-your-life/#more-3711
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